Finally!

***I officially apologize for not putting anything up for, well, a really long time. But I didn't forget about my loyal readers.***

Dove 1 Jilian Burgess

Desert becomes sea
as tides are blue,
when foam washes it turns
to fully swallow you,
as they cast your lots.
To the ocean you must go.
For days you will stay,
you will reap what you sow
not a chance to get away.
And you’ll have time to think.
Then the sea becomes land.
You’ll be glad for the sand
You are grateful for food,
and God has seen you through.

Dove 2

Foresee the future.
Preach your prophecy.
Tell them to repent,
it will be a sight to see
as fear fills their eyes.
Bring the ashes if you’re wise.
Quickly to the sackcloth
and God will take pity.
Pissed off and impolite
He’ll make you a tree so sit tight.
Send the wind in the morning,
a bug in the tree the shadow will flee.
So mad you’ll put your life on the line
as God brings sanity to each whine.

Bonus question: Who are these two sonnets about and why did I choose the title "Dove"?

Next....

I feel like we're on a roll after the last post. I thought it would bring up some conversation and am very happy with the results. It got us all talking about a subject that seems to be ignored too often. We all sit silently thinking negatively about ourselves when we can all come together and toss around great opinions. Good job all! Loved the comments!

While we're on appearance I thought this would be a great time to celebrate ourselves physically and emotionally by finding and sharing our favorite things about ourselves.

My favorite thing about myself emotionally and intellectually is my strength. You should all think that's pretty funny since the last year I've been repeating the mantra, "I'm not strong enough." But coming out of that and bursting into a new year I feel like strength is, well, my strong point. I'm proud to say that at times I am outspoken, especially when I think something is unfair to me or people I care about. I don't back down easy and I stick to my guns.

My favorite physical feature is, get this, my nose. I know that's a weird thing to choose, but it reminds me of my parents. My nose is wide like my dad's and his family but generally small like my mom's. It fits my face just right, it's not crooked and it has generally treated me well except now that it's running!

Now it's your turn. Don't be shy. If you had an opinion on the last post you should put a comment on this post. I know what you're thinking...it's so selfish. But it's not, it's taking a moment to say, "God you did this so right for me and I'm proud of it." So take a moment and celebrate yourself! You are beautiful! Can't wait for the responses!

For whatever reason the issue of weight has been brought up to me starkly this weekend. Twice. I've been doing lots of research and reading on eating disorders. Adding to that more research I've determined that anorexia and bulimia can get to the point of addictions like alcoholism or drug abuse. On the flip side I can also see how overeating can be an addiction. Have you ever asked an obese person if they really like being obese? Or asked an anorexic if they like their ugly bones sticking out?

It really infuriates me that people look at overweight persons (specifically women) in such a negative light. We were discussing diet commercials the other night when an 18 year old athletic, trim male said, "I love the one with the fat lady running around the pool. It's so funny." I mentioned that I was quite impressed at Kirstie Alley's weight loss which I believe is around 75 pounds. The same boy snickered. Then another male, in his late 50's also on the trim side, commented that "she could stand to lose another 30." When I, quite offended, quipped, "That's a real ass hole comment." He answered, "get over it."

Well, I'm not getting over it. It's an ass hole comment. Why is it so great when a girl starts losing weight but then someone whispers "she's anorexic" and then everyone thinks she's dirty or sick? You enforced that it was good she was losing weight but as soon as you saw the other side of it you wanted to take it back. So is losing weight good or bad? Is it good when I lose 50 pounds on Weight Watchers but bad when I lose 75 pounds by throwing up my dinner? What about diet pills? Is it okay that I take one while dieting, or is that "cheating"?

How many millions of teenage and college age girls are looking at pictures of bikini-clad supermodels and thinking if only? If only I was skinnier that guy would like me. If only I was thinner I'd be more respected. If only I lost ten pounds I'd be attractive. If only I looked like that severely underweight model I'd be successful, loved, HAPPY.

I'm so sick of that! For the record I weigh 163. My thighs are larger than most (they touch!). My face has chubby red cheeks. My butt is plump. I have stretch marks and cellulite. My stomach's not flat, it's round. And I can't touch my thumb and forefinger together when I reach around my wrists. Plus, I love the Lane Bryant models and their clothes and I think some Victoria's Secret models are too bony to be sexy. IS THAT A SIN?

Or is the sin the fact that I don't hate any of it? That I'm not afraid to say it? That I've written it in plain black and white and refuse to take it back?

I don't think it's funny that someone weighs 350 pounds. I think it's sad. It makes me wonder about them and wonder about their issues. Who hasn't consumed a whole carton of Ben and Jerry's after a messy breakup? Or hit up McDonald's a few too many times last week because there wasn't much time? Or taken two good sized pieces of chocolate covered cheesecake?

When will the average young american woman realize that she doesn't need to throw up the extra piece of pizza she ate? Or skip eating one day to make up for last night's dessert?

When will it be okay for a woman to sit down in a restaurant and order exactly what she wants without guilt and judgement?

Latest Project

I've embarked on quite a big writing project as of late. I plan on splitting all the information into sections and dividing them with some kind of poetry. Here is a short excerpt from one of them.

Stop and Swallow These Words

I AM

Stronger. Beautiful. Woman. Unbreakable. Getting out. Whole. All encompassing. Worshiped. Unattainable. Altering. Effective. Unbelievable. Fearless. Full. Raging. Worthwhile. Unforgettable. Amazing. Easy on the eyes. Looked up to. Favored. One of a kind. Fulfilled. Urging. Wanting. Irreplaceable. Tasty. Unique. Loved. A fighter. Yummy. Shaking .Standing. Screaming through my words. Panting. Pushing. Hopeful. Determined. Inspiring. Poetic. Shoving. A bitch. Not waiting. Short tempered. Speaking. Not a little girl anymore. Grasping. Searching. Never giving up. Who I am. Not so tall. Looking for something. Piercing. Delicious. Tempestuous. Alluring. Unstoppable. Pulling. Saying. Leaving an impression. Thick. Well thought of. Giddy. Launching. Reserved while still. Regurgitating worthless information. Coming out. Looking up. Furrowing my brow. In hot pursuit. On a quest. Shadowed. Stalked. Probing. Hunting for truth. Frisky. Foraging through life. Chasing. Exploring other options. A fan. Emerging. Understanding. Open. Facing the future. Everything.


I'll stop here but the actual poem takes up an entire page and I still felt like there was more of a definition of myself than the words conveyed. I suggest the excercise to anyone. It's kind of eye opening.

Prayer

As time has gone on I've moved farther and farther away from any kind of understanding of God. I know He's there, I know He's doing something, but I don't know what and I don't know where. I'm finding it very awkward trying to pursue a relationship with him. How exactly do I go about that, how do I approach Him? He's so big and all consuming. How do you walk towards that?

I know what you're thinking. Read your Bible and pray. But what part of the Bible brings you closer to God? What does prayer entail? God seems so mysterious, like something we can never understand like it's just above our level of comprehension. How do you talk to someone like that? How do you make it personal? The Lord's Prayer is the best example we have of actual prayer. I think it consists of three main topics. Praise and thanks ("Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name" "For thine is the kingdom and glory forever and ever"), forgiveness (forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us") and asking ("give us this day our daily bread" "lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil"). Praise seems to be the biggest theme of the prayer. I think most people are taught that prayer is about saying thank you and sorry and asking for something you want. But the different topics seem to be weighted. The heaviest being praise and thanks. Forgiveness is a vital part of the prayer, however you'll notice that it doesn't take up much of the prayer. It's straight to the point. I think that this specific prayer is a general prayer, one you can say in public, but when you're praying by yourself I think it's more appropriate to list your sins while being careful not to dwell on them. The forgiveness part of the prayer lasts one line. God doesn't care so much about you beating yourself up over sin. You did it, it was wrong and you repented. God then wipes the slate clean.

And then there's asking which is also obvious in the prayer. But honestly I don't like the idea of asking for things because I don't think God's a magic fairy granting wishes here and there. Could prayer be the most personal thing that we share with God? What if we treated Him as a confidant? Instead of saying, "I pray for ____, that you'll help her feel better", we say "I feel dragged down by the problems that ____ is going through. It hurts my heart to see her in such pain. It scares me that I may fall into that trap as well." Does that give us a better sense of growing closer to Him?

So..

I'm okay today. I don't feel like I'm in control of everything but I feel like everything's in the right place. It's not perfect by any means. It's good though, good enough for right now. I ran across an old journal entry and it reminded me of some of the struggles I've been through. DON'T TAKE THIS AS WHAT I FEEL NOW, IT WAS WHAT I FELT THEN. No comments needed it was just important to me to see progress.


3/22/06
So, I gave in again. I'm too tired. I'm so tired of holding on to everything so tight. Just to let go for a second is terrifying because everything happens so fast. One cut becomes two and so on until my legs are quickly covered. It feels so good. It centers things, everything's okay now. Why can't I just do it when I need to? I wonder what people would think if they knew everything. I saw an article in a magazine where people anonymously wrote down their secrets on post cards. Mine would read "I Sleep With Scissors Every Night". I'm so weirdly obsessed with them. I'm so weird.

But there's nothing else like it. It's a release. It's a way of screaming without sound. It's like magically putting everything in it's place. I can put all my worries, all my complaints, all my thoughts into it. The pain reminds me I'm still human and I can feel. Sometimes I cut just to feel. And the pain feels good. I can feel it the next day and the next. I'm happy when I see the scabs and feel the pain afterwards. It's like bonus throughout the day, reminding me that I can still feel, that I've done something. It makes me feel strong but others see it as a weakness. Why can't I have this one thing, one guilty pleasure? I'll give everything up. All of it. But the scratching makes sense, the scratching puts things in order. It's my dirty little secret.

I feel like I start my day a million miles below the surface where everybody else starts their day. I spend my whole day climbing out just to get even with everybody else. I like sleeping because I don't have to be awake for the feelings. The emptiness, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the boredom. They take over everything and clothe my life in blackness. Nothing's fun, Nothing's happy. Everything is black and I'm alone. I reach out, but there's no hand reaching back. Can't people see I'm losing my grip? I've held on so tightly, but I'm tired now. So the blackness crawls in and lies still over everything. Every thought, every word.

And who will ever love me? What healthy man can look past these dark thoughts and see me on the other side? Watch every thought and look. Don't let anything out. "I'm not a virgin."And they're gone. One tiny glimpse of my life is horrifying to a normal person. A healthy person without a fucking mental illness. So what's the answer? Never be yourself with anybody. Your scars are too ugly.

Watch your words, watch your actions, watch your looks, watch your thoughts. Don't slip up. Don't let go because everybody's watching you, but no one is helping you. They're looking down on you hanging on to the edge. They cross their arms and one steps on your fingers. But it'll be your fault if you fall. Now my body is too heavy and my arms aren't strong enough, I'm too tired.

I'm suffocating in my own life.


Intense, huh? I'm a pretty intense person. I'm coming up on a year for this entry and feel completely the opposite. I'm content with my life. I don't feel the depths of depression like I did before. I haven't cut in months. I can't remember the last time I did. It was hard to fight the urges at first, but it's gotten to the point where I don't feel them anymore. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who are available to me at any time. I feel a strong sense of support.

I've come to realize a few things about God through this process. Surprise! He's not a magic fairy. I know I was greatly disappointed. He can be someone you lean on but you can't use him as an excuse. God goes ninety percent of the way and you go the rest. It takes work to be a Christian, lots of work. I'm still struggling with my relationship with Him, but there's something there I'm sure of. Something that stays with me.

Here's to turning 21 and a whole NEW year!

So, I Met This Guy

I met this guy a few weeks ago. It was incredibly freaky because I quickly discovered we're almost the same person. We have both done some really bad things in our past. Stuff we would consider filing under the label "Why I'm Going To Hell". Stuff that makes us think we'll never get past our, well, past. And we've been wronged. Very wronged. We've been burned left and right by people we thought we could trust.

And then we burned each other.

When I look at him it's like looking into a mirror, the mirror is cracked and distorted but I can see the reflection still appears to be me.

The worst part of the whole situation is we're both very hot and cold, though our cycles are different. He'll want one thing Thursday and he'll want another thing Saturday. I'll want one thing in September and another thing in October. The deal is we can't get on the same page at the same time. One of us is thinking on the third level and the other is at zero.

I started praying a long time ago that God would give me someone like me. First I met a girl like me, we tried to be friends but again her hot and cold cycled faster than mine. I didn't like that reflection and eventually backed away from the mirror. Now I've met this guy and am at a loss for what to do. We don't work together dating wise that's for sure. Can we really be friends? The kind of friends who talk every few days and share each other's troubles? Should I keep trying to tape the cracks in the mirror or should I shatter it all together?

And what is keeping me from shattering it right now? Is it the attention? Is it the drama? Is it the potential? Is it frankly curiousity?

Or is it the fear that shattering it will cut my hands? I mean I can always bandage them, but it'll hurt for a while. Deep cuts don't heal that fast.

What does God think of this? If God really works one on one with each of us and is involved in our every day happenings, why did he have me meet this guy? What is the lesson here? Did I ask for the wrong thing? Did God not in fact have me meet this guy purposely, was it a freak accident God thought would be a minor hiccup in my overall life's dinner but I failed miserably at this test and am floundering on the floor with the dog's scraps? What gives? Where is this going?


So I met this guy in my mirror. What should I do with it?